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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 2, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> yeah. >> you know, better to be safe than sorry, right. >> a gr method. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, how are you doing? well company to the report! whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us in here, out there. nation, the race for the gop presidential nomination is in the home stretch. and no matter how much it pains me to say it, mitt romney has got the momentum. or mi particular,-- mittmentum. last night he won the wyoming caucus, wyoming, cradle of cheney. why do you think it's so sparsely populated. they must kill to stay alive. (laughter) circle of life. now with supertuesday coming up next week, i'm not sure which day, we'll check that out, there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find mitt romney attractive. (laughter) jimmy, put up the counterdown to loving mitt clock. oh god. oh god, only five days, 23
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hours, 57 minutes. okay, don't panic. there's still plenty of time to find an alternative, anybody. >> new reports now that jeb bush is still considered as a possible last ditch candidate. >> there's been a little bit of discussion today about whether or not governor jeb bush will get into the race. >> jeb bush. >> jeb bush. >> . >> stephen: of course, jeb bush! america is hungry for another lead frere that talented family. (laughter) the first-- the bush presidential trilogy will finally be complete with the return of the jebi. (cheers and applause) now you know while we're at t while we're at t let's dig up another cheney, doesn't dick have a cooler, younger sibling too like tab cheney? no? stop clicking, take it down, jimmy, i'm scared! (laughter)
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nation, itsee 11:36. do you know where your children are? this episode's going to rerun three times tomorrow. do you know where your children are then? let's face it, the second your kids walk out the door to school, you have no way of knowing that they're not off vodka eyeballing at a rainbow party playing the choking game to get a dare bracelet. (laughter) don't know what a dare bracelet is? ask your kids. they'll claim i just made it up to scare you. (laughter) well w so many threats to your child's innocence, there is some good news. i just found another one. teachers. tonight we profile one of these people destroying america. >> tonight on a very special people destroying america,
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this is the town of pace, florida. and these are the children of pace. their innocence lost at the hands of their own teacher. a teacher who crossed the line and betrayed their trust, dawn quarrels who lured them into committing an unspeakable act they were too young to understand. >> i am being fined by the state 6 florida for registering kids to vote. >> some as young as 17, and so impressionable. >> yeah, i think she makes voting pretty cool. >> stephen: yeah, because dawn can't get enough. >> i love voting. and i tell my kids that you are going to love the feeling of casting a ballot. >> stephen: sure, we adults love it but these are feeling kids just don't know how to process. >> we were on a learning build rights in voting. >> we got in the room.
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she said i what like to register you to vote today if you would like to. >> if you want to register for it just sign it, fill it out. >> i gave it back to her for her to turn into the office of elections. >> she registered me to vet. >> she registered me to vote. >> miss quarrels registered me to vote. >> i did it when everyone else did it. >> stephen: that's when authorities moved in with lightning speed. >> a month and a half after that i received word that i was being cited by the state of florida. >> stephen: busted, and charged with. >> voter registration fraud. >> stephen: a serious crime that comes with a $1,000 fine under a new florida law. >> governor rick scott signed a sweeping election reform law this week. supporters say the law will prevent fraud but-- . >> stephen: but nothing t is designed to catch fraudstars in the fact. director of the american civil liberties union and casual man howard explains how. >> it indicates that people went out and registered new
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voters, could turn in the new voter registrations within ten days. now the legislature brought it down to 48 hours. >> i did not make it within the 48 hours. >> stephen: fraud. >> i did not-- . >> stephen: fraud, fraud, fraud. >> there is no voter fraud. i don't think there is a person walking around the streets of florida that believes that the voter suppression law of 2011 is about voter fraud. >> stephen: well, here's a person walking around the streets of florida. what does he believe. >> i think this law will help insurance that we don't have voter fraud. >> stephen: done. state representative rich dollar crosso is one of 9 brave lawmakers who came out of the shadows to support this anti-fraud bill. here's how it works. >> if you are-- somebody breaks into your car and steals your stuff because you didn't lock your car, well then dow lock it later on or you have locked your car today. >> stephen: see, it's simple. the car is the voting booth. the lock is the law.
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your stuff is the ballot, and the thief is the-- hold on, wait a minute-- no, okay. the lock is the law, the car is the ballot-- wait, no, stop, stop, no. the car is the law. the booth is the ballot, your stuff is the thief, an and-- okay. fraud. however it works, the law prevents the students from vote-- like dawn quarrels. >> this law uses the threat of fraud to basically try to make it more difficult for black people and college students and young people and language minorities from voting. >> stephen: why would they want to do that. >> they tend to vote democratic and they voted overwhelmingly for president obama. >> stephen: fraud! >> and i think we can all agree, fraud sounds bad. >> fraud sounds horrible. >> fraud sounds like stealing an election. >> fraud sounds criminal. >> if there was any evidence of fraud. >> stephen: want ef? -- evidence? accord together brennan
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center for justice voter fraud does happen. point 00004% of the time. >> there are probably a larger number of shark attacks in florida than there are cases of voter fraud. >> stephen: meaning this is what dawn quarrels wants for your children. need more proof? rich glorioso has the hard numbers. >> right now i don't know the numbers but i know there are some cases. >> stephen: good enough. >> but we decided that this will help us prevent fraud. >> stephen: great. >> preventing fraud is kind of like whether you lock your car or not. >> stephen: right, right, the car thing, got it. these innocent children deserve a chance to vote when they're ready. at the right time, and for the right candidate. not for some cheap thrill. >> if you write if or punch it will just be call because you are like i have a say. >> yes. >> done. i punched the hole.
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>> stephen: do you really want your child to punch the hole before they're ready. >> kid, if you start them out young they will vote for the rest of their life. they will be supervoters by the time they are in their 40s. >> stephen: if they live that long. >> hey, have you seen helen. >> the last time i saw her she was voting. >> oh. >> stephen: there's only one way to stop this from happening to your kids. >> i locked my car in the parking lot today. >> stephen: yes, lock your car, america. and lock your kids. because dawn quarrels is insatiable. >> i'm not going to stop registering kids to vote. >> stephen: that's why she is the people destroying america. remember, girls-- yes, go ahead. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: go ahead. i know you're scared but it's safe to applaud in here. (laughter)
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remember, girls, if it gets around that you voted, no boy is going to want to vote with you. so wait until you're married and then vote the way your husband tells you to. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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is welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. thank you. nation, like many americans i am thrilled that the iraq
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war is over but there are some downsides. for starters when i took the show there to perform for the troops in 2009, i lost my subway sub club card. and now this there is next to no chance i will ever get it back. it had like six stamps on it. war is so senseless. (laughter) but whenever i want to relive the excitement of the sand storms and the porta potties i just crack open my subscription to the scholarly british journal iraq. it's an amazing publication, although the word jumble takes ten years and $4 trillion to complete. and it's the source of fascinating articles like one this month by researcher michael streck and nathan wasserman who recently translated a 3500 area old kuhn i form tablet from babylon to discover it contained a series of jokes. yes, jokes. these tablets contain such ancient sumerian side splitters as he gouged out the eye it is not the fate
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of a dead man. he cut the throat. a dead man, who is it? its punch line a governor. (laughter) a governor, who can sentence people to death. it's funny, because it pleases the river god. these tablets provide a unique insight into life in the fertile crescent, the fertile crescent, by the way, the most common punch line in ancient babylonian. but since the tablet was severely damaged, not all the jokes are complete. like one was the only words remaining are of your mother is by the one who has intercourse with her, what for who is it. unfortunately, the punch line has been lost. but researchers declared this was the world's oldest yo mamma joke. which brings us to the
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latest installment of my award awaiting theoris. >> stephen colbert's mysteries of the ancient unknown. yo mamma jokes. this babylonian gut buster is thought to predate even the earliest biblical yo mamma joke, from genesis 4:8 and abel said unto canio momma is so fat she doesn't wear a figure leaf, she wears a fig tree. and cane did slay his brother. now we may never understand the true mystery behind this even earlier yo mamma joke but scholars suspect it was hilarious. because a nearby shard of pottery has been translated to read, ah, snap. so many questions.
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i mean who was this momma. who did she have intercourse with and did she really enjoy the fruit of the euphrates valley big black dates. and just how fat was she. when she sat around the ziggurat did she sit around the ziggurat. folks this is the first major development in prechristian zingology since the discovery of hieroglyphics depicting the ancient egyptian performer amen-gal-agher smashing a pomegranite with his ango matic. we must not rest until all the secrets are uncovered. perhaps we can find clues in the other jokes on the tablet. jokes like this one. the deflowered girl did not become pregnant. the undeflowered girl became pregnant. what is it? the punch line, auxiliary
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forces. i guess you had to be there for the sacking of anyone he va. well, nation, i-- on ninevah. i will stay on this story until the full significance of this yo mamma joke will be decode. perhaps this tablet will help us understand this tablet from the code of hammurabi that puzzled us for year, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth except for yo mamma because she only got one of each. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight, my guest tonight plays a bipolacia sect in the show homeland. that means she's both good cop and bad cop. please welcome claire danes. (cheers and applause) hey, claire, good to see you again, thanks so much for coming on. all right. now young lady, good to see you again. >> nice to see you too. >> stephen: last time you were on here it was for temple grandin which you went on to win the emmy for, congratulations. >> well, thank you. >> stephen: now you are on homeland, just won the golden globe for that. >> i did. >> stephen: that's called the colbert bump. that's the double bump, i swear, after this interview next year you will be the first person ever to win an
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oscar for a tv performance. >> i bet that's true. a ttribute all of my success to you, for sure. >> stephen: that's wise, at least in the next six minutes. >> yes. >> stephen: now this show, homeland, you play a character with a particular sort of emotional issue. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. and we got a little clip here. jimmy, crack us off a piece of acting right here. >> it is what i want. >> and blue is what i is available. >> okay, green is important. green is necessary. it doesn't make sense if it didn't isn't green and it is really not an unreasonable request. oh, thank god, my green pen is dry. i asked four, five, six times for a new one but there is no understanding. they offer me blue, black, i mean is green so hard. is green elusive. i mean my kingdom for a [bleep] green pen. >> she should go to her room. >> stephen: you, you -- >> that's not my green pen s
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it. >> stephen: this is not your green pen, actually this is a blue pen. >> that's pretty hot, you know, if i'm not going to get a green pen i would settle for that. >> stephen: what's wrong with her. >> so many things. >> stephen: really. >> so many things. >> stephen: i means that's-- that's slightly erratic behavior. >> yes, she is a little unhinged in that particular moment. >> stephen: what is her issue. >> she is bipolar and she's done a fairly successful job of keeping it under control, taming it. she, her sister is a doctor so she has been kind of getting meds on the sly, but she gets, she-- . >> stephen: does it help her in any way. >> no, no, it helps, she is doing well, until, until she gets blown up. >> stephen: but that-- that tends to take a spring out of your step. >> no, it's-- yeah, so that, that undermined her slightly. and she was hospitalized. she went off of her meds and then that happens. >> stephen: so is it one of those, like beautiful mind things where you have got a little bit of a mental deficit that lets you connect the dots.
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>> it is like that. she does have these incredible insights but, as a lot of people with bipolar conditions do. and they would have just become a tangled mess, about her colleague, helps organize it for her. so it is actually very beautiful. >> stephen: the solving these krirms. >> yes, they work collaboratively. >> stephen: the job has given her focus to study the mania. >> exactly. >> stephen: how did you study this. some say i'm not an actor but some ackers say they have to find something within themselves that is like the character is there anything in you that is bipolar? and this is a safe, safe space, none of this will be broadcast. go. >> i really, really hope not. i really, really hope not. so far so good. but no, it was-- it is make believe. but no, it was fascinating to learn about. >> stephen: how did you, how do you learn about pipe
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bombers and cia at the-- bipolar and the cia at the same time. >> yeah. >> stephen: that is one of the sign, one of the early signs right there. so how do you study, like how do you learn about the cia. >> well, i read a lot of books. actually my book club friends are here tonight and i need to say hi. speaking of books. i read a lot of books. we read as a club read some of my books, so i read, and i worked with a cia officer. and she, we went on a field trip to langley which was supercool. >> stephen: really. >> yeah. >> stephen: a field trip. >> yeah. >> stephen: were there snacks. was there anything, any questions between bipolar behavior and sort of the inherent paranoia that is necessary for spy work. >> well, i don't know. i think that look, it's very lonely to be a cia officer and i think it's probably quite lonely to be bipolar.
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>> stephen: claire, claire. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it lonely to be claire danes? (laughter) again this is a safe space. >> no, not cripplingly so, not yet. >> stephen: can i criticize you for a second. >> yes, please. >> stephen: you know, this show as far as i can tell, 12 episodes so far. >> yes. >> stephen: no enhanced interrogation. so enhanced interrogation. that's how the cia learns things, that's what we know. why, why, you are an actress. don't you have an urge to impro advice and stuff a wet rag in someone's mouth at any point. >> i actually learned they're not even called interrogations any more, they're called interviews. because interrogations is too pejorative. >> stephen: oh really. >> yeah. >> stephen: they should call them-- well, claire danes, thank you so much for joining me.
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claire danes, homeland, on showtime, check it out. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night.